When is the best time to visit Pattaya? The short answer is ‘anytime’. This is a city that never sleeps or closes its doors. Yes, when national or local elections take place, or certain religious holidays occur, businesses are supposed (and sometimes specifically ordered) to stay closed. Then Pattaya can look to all intents and purposes like a ghost town; scratch just a little beneath the surface and you will find bars open and girls wandering apparently aimlessly in search of male companionship.     

For almost all the time Pattaya is open for fun 24/7. The peak, or high, season is a flighty little bird that roughly runs from about mid-November until the end of February. The absolute peak is between Christmas and the end of January. At this time hotels are full, and if there are any vacancies the prices for a room are at a premium. More importantly, the cost of female companionship in this period is also at a premium, whether the girl is a stunner or a scrubber.   

The quietest time of any year is generally September, with July not far behind. Yet, for many canny types, these are the best months to make an appearance as the ladies of easy virtue are ‘hungrier’. 

The rainy season varies from year to year in intensity and duration. Some years it can pour at some point every day for an hour or more; other years the local government has to start thinking up ways of either conserving the water supply or find a way of obtaining more.

What’s the weather like? Thailand is in the northern hemisphere (believe it or not, you’d be surprised how many people don’t realize this) and as such has the same seasons, with an important difference. The only snow flakes ever seen in Pattaya are on those visitors who have serious dandruff problems. Pattaya’s climate is hot for most of the year (really hot between March and May), with a rainy season for a couple of months around September to November (sometimes a little later), and the coolest weather in December and part of January.      

What’s more important than the weather (after all, drinking and carousing tend to be largely conducted indoors, or at least under cover) is determining the best time to visit to get the most out of your holidaying baht. This is a mathematical equation that would have tested Albert Einstein. Forget the Theory of Relativity, the trick is to plan a trip to take advantage of the largest numbers of available females, divided by their overall quality, minus the number of foreign men likely to want to exchange cash for comfort services with these damsels. 

How much should I pay a girl for her ‘company’? Prostitution has been illegal in Thailand since 1960, so naturally there aren’t any persons of this ilk in the country. That said, it’s amazing how many ladies in Pattaya are willing to exchange bodily fluids and a show of affection for a monetary reward. Basically, her aim is to get as much money out of you for as little effort as possible; you probably want to get as much mattress action out of her for as little damage to your wallet as possible. The girls on the beach, who are all within reach (yes, there’s a song in that), usually are happy with 300-800 baht depending on your negotiation skills. Girls in beer bars all seem to want 1,000 baht or more, as do the go-go girls, where 2,000 baht is not uncommon. Negotiate for a better rate and see what happens. If she stands firm on a price you don’t like, walk away: there’s one who looks like her twin sister just around the corner. 

What are the chances of me catching a sexually transmitted disease (STD)? This is the biggest sexual risk most foreigners run. I have lost count of the number of guys I know here of all ages and financial situations who try to avoid slipping on a condom and subsequently suffer from all kinds of STDs. Unless you are in a relationship with a girl you really shouldn’t be taking chances and not insisting on a condom.  

How old should a female companion be to remain at or above the legal age for intimate activities? There is some argument as to the ‘correct’ age. Rather than discuss what ‘might’ be legal the minimum age is eighteen (18). Any younger and you are facing a potential problem. All Thai nationals employed to work in a bar are required to be 20 years of age. Sex is only permitted between consenting adults aged 18 and over. How do you work out if your intended bed partner is at least 18 years old. Most people say, ask for their ID card. Good idea; but you can’t read Thai and apart from a series of Roman numerals on the card, there is no other English language. Still, it’s better to at least make an effort and be aware of one key factor: the Thai calendar is 543 years ahead. Therefore, the year 2000 was 2543 in Thailand. If you ask to check a girl’s ID card, you’ll be looking for a date of 2533 or less (as of 2009). If you spot this, she is definitely 18 or older.
A word about underage girls. There are plenty of girls who work the streets and a few bars who are not yet 18 years of age. Most of the underage girls are usually over 16, but there are some who kick off their career in mattress dancing as young as 12 or 13.
If your sexual tastes run to pre-pubescent girls we strongly suggest you avoid coming to Thailand and definitely delete this website from your favourites. Pattaya is awash with dozens of the most beautiful over-18 Asian girls you will ever see. Remember, you can always dress them up to look younger, as the old joke goes. So if you can’t find one, of age, to satisfy your sexual proclivities then you really do have a problem.
 

What is a bar fine? This is an amount of money a customer pays to the bar to take an employee, or even a freelancer, out of the bar. In beer bars the bar fine runs between 200 and 300 baht; short-time bars also charge from 200 to 500 baht while go-go bars are the most expensive with bar fines from as low as 300 baht (extremely rare and usually only for brief periods at the beginning or the end of the night), 500-600 baht is the standard and often 800-1,200 baht for so-called showgirls. In peak periods such as Christmas Eve, Christmas Night, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Night many go-go’s have a standard of 1,000 baht or more. The go-go bar fines are more expensive because the dancing girls earn far higher wages than their beer bar and short-time bar cousins.     

The idea of the bar fine is to compensate the bar for the loss of an employee. After all, the reason most people go to a particular bar is to look at and chat with the employees. If the employees have all gone out with customers then the bar will be empty and the owner will not be making any money.     

Since Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights are usually the busiest for go-go bars, the owners of these places insist all employees turn up for work on those days. Any girls who fail to do so usually have 500 baht or more cut from their salary for each day they miss.     

The bar fine is only the first part of the transaction between you and the girl, it does not include any money she might ask for her extra-curricular activities. 

What is a beer bar? Although tourist numbers grow year on year, the number of beer bars in Pattaya has exploded since the millennium and now number more than 800 spread between Naklua and Jomtien and between Beach Road and out to Third Road and beyond. Turn down almost any back soi in Pattaya and you are likely to stumble across a beer bar.     

So what are they? At their most basic, a small enclosed space with seating for 10-20 customers on stools surrounding the bar, a couple of fridges, a TV (usually tuned to a Thai channel) and girls who run the gamut from young to ancient, thin to fat, beautiful to past-their-use-by-date, good English and dressed-to-kill to fresh off the farm.     

They serve beer, usually in bottles as many of them are not set up to handle draught. They also serve any other drink you fancy, from coffee and tea and soft drinks to spirits. The drinks prices vary depending on the beer bar location. Many places have an all-day happy hour policy designed to catch the early birds.     

Most girls working in a beer bar start work between 4:00 and 5:00 pm. The real stars might not come to the bar until 7 or 8:00 pm, or even later. Freelancers, who will work out of a series of bars in different areas, will turn up whenever they feel like it. The salary for most beer bar girls is not much more than 3,000 baht a month. Where they make their money is via tips and lady drinks, and being bought out of the bar by customers.     

The positive side of the beer bars is that customers get a clearer look at the faces of the girls (the UV light in go-go bars tends to hide the worst aspects of dancers) and get a better chance of chatting with them without necessarily being pressured into buying the girl a drink, but the downside is you can’t really tell what kind of body the girl has and lady drink prices can be ridiculous. Equally, you will usually have to put up with loud music from the bar you are in which will have the volume turned up to compete with the other beer bars nearby (Soi 8 is a classic example of this).      

If your Thai or her English is not so good, one of the good things about a beer bar is you can play games with the girl. One of the more popular is Connect 4, a good game to determine how long a girl has really been working a bar. If she beats you easily, then you can bet she’s been on the game for a while; if you can beat her easily then she’s fresh to the trade. There’s also a dice game which relies largely on luck rather than skill. 

What is a go-go bar? An air-conditioned, fully-enclosed bar with a stage or stages where a brace of ladies of varying quality dance around chrome poles to a variety of DJ-played (or, in some cases, computer-programmed) music of equally varying quality. The ladies are usually attired in a g-string bikini bottom and top, although in many places some ladies appear to have had a serious wardrobe malfunction and perform in nothing more than a pair of high heels. 

What is a coyote bar? Basically, an overdressed go-go. The dancers are not necessarily reliant on a chrome pole to stay upright; they don’t shuffle, they dance. These types of bars have proliferated since about 2004. As a general rule, the dancers are graduates of the beer bar scene, where they started to pick up the basics of the English language. They then move onto a period in a go-go wearing not much more than a g-string a, possibly, a smile. By now they probably have one or two overseas-based sponsors sending money each month, so they agree to stop working in a go-go and either become freelance and spend their nights in the discos or just wandering the streets, or they put on short shorts and crop tops and wiggle about in a coyote den. 

What is short time? Not very long if the girl of your wet dreams has anything to do with it. The amount of time will depend on whether you are using the in-house facilities or taking the lady back to your hotel or apartment. In some cases and places it’s 45 minutes to an hour, in others it’s a couple of hours or more depending on whether you are in-house or in a hotel or apartment. If you have to ask what is long time? then you really have led a sheltered life.

What is a short time bar? These are basically enclosed beer bars where the girls are always trying to entice customers to come upstairs for an inspection and testing of the lying-in facilities. Most of the girls will go out of the bar with a customer for an all-night tryst, but the bulk of their income comes from people visiting the bar and taking them for a short time. No such place exists in Pattaya; at least not in the available literature, although a walk down Soi 6 on any afternoon might give the lie to this. 

What is a ‘soapy’ massage? Ever wanted to go white-water rafting? Pattaya offers a unique form of this exciting activity, although about the only danger you are in is from a severe reduction of your wallet because the experience can be so good you don’t want to stop at just one per holiday.  

The three most popular places for a ‘soapy’ -as these places are also called- in Pattaya are all within a wet sponge’s throw of each other on Second Road, near the Big C supermarket complex. Sabai Land, Sabai Room, and Sabai Dee massage parlours and coffee shops open around midday and close at midnight. When a customer walks in the first thing he will notice is a long, floor-to-ceiling glass enclosure behind which will be seated anywhere from just 10 to more than 40 or 50 girls, all in fetching gowns and sporting a decal with a large number. This enclosure is known as the ‘fish bowl’ and a customer should take the time to sit down in the seats facing the girls, order a drink (coffee and tea are fine) and check out the available talent. While you’re doing this the girls will be looking at you and trying to get your attention. If you find one you fancy, call over a waiter who will motion for the girl to come out and chat, if that’s what you’d like to do first. Buy her a drink and see what happens.      

If you do decide to accompany her to a room for a ‘sensual’ massage you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the plush, hotel-like nature of the facilities.

The fees for a massage are standard, not negotiable. You can have a simple massage involving lots of soap and water with nothing else, although the girl will be totally naked as she gets into a hot tub with you and washes you down. This is usually enough to get most guys interested in a little more action. The price for her extras is negotiable, although they do tend to be of a standard along the lines of go-go bars.

How much do the working girls in the bars get paid? Businesses in Thailand generally pay their employees by the month. The rates of pay in Pattaya for girls employed in the bar industry are, in some cases, extraordinarily high when compared with the average national wage. For example, a first-year university lecturer (no need to go into the details of the amount of education and money needed for a person to reach such a level) will be on a monthly salary of about 6,000-9,000 baht. A police sergeant earns around 10,000-12,000 baht a month.     

Compare the above figures with some show girls in go-go bars who earn a base salary of up to 20,000 baht a month. Most go-go dancers, especially those who choose to show off most of their anatomy while dancing, are picking up 8,000-15,000 baht a month. Even the average ‘shy’ dancer is in receipt of 5,000-7,000 baht a month. The salaries for dancers in Pattaya are far higher than those in Bangkok for a variety of reasons that are too complex to go into here.     

Girls in beer bars tend to be the worst paid, picking up 2,500-4,000 baht a month depending on the bar and the hours they work.

In all cases of the girls in the bars, the above figures do not include tips earned from drinks, bar fines, or from going out with customers.

Should I buy a lady drink? Girls working in the bar scene, whether they be employed on a monthly salary or freelancers just propping up a bar stool and chatting with friends who may be working at the bar in question, are always seeking to supplement their income by way of lady drinks.     

Many go-go bar operators impose a lady drinks per month minimum on their dancers as part of the salary package. For example, a go-go bar may tell a girl she needs to accrue 30 drinks a month from customers.     

Lady drinks in most sensible go-go bars are priced between 90 and 100 baht. Some bar owners, for some reason these are usually in the worst or least attractive places, charge anywhere from 119 to 145 and more baht.     

The girls will receive an average of 20-30 baht per drink, which they collect at the end of the night. Usually this is enough to pay for a plate or two of food after work each night and maybe a motorbike taxi home. That’s if they haven’t been bar-fined of course, or they happen to be the only Thai girl in Pattaya who is not hungry on average once every two to three hours.     

The above is one reason why a dancing girl, and even some waitresses, hustle customers for lady drinks. It’s not they want a drink per se, they want the money, honey.     

In some go-go bars, it might not be the dancer who makes the approach for the drink, it will be a waitress. The latter will stand in front of you and make the internationally recognized elbow bending movement followed by pointing at you and then the girl sitting with you. It’s entirely up to you whether you succumb to the pressure or not. If you happen to spot a girl you fancy and ask her over, then she is entitled to think you’ll at least purchase a drink for her, and this is fair.

Should I leave tips? A contentious issue among foreigners. For Americans, tipping is a part of the drinking and eating experience back in the United States, so they carry on the tradition here in Pattaya. For many Brits, Australians and others, tipping is an almost unnatural situation.   

The rise in the popularity of table dancing go-go bars has seen the ladies who strut their stuff by exposing the tunnel of love while jiggling a few centimetres from a customer’s face, have their boots filled with 20, 50, and 100 baht notes by beaver-struck customers to the extent they hardly ever want to be bar-fined.      

The usual situation where you leave a tip is when you’ve paid your drinks bill and are going to leave the bar. If you’ve been happy with the service (smiling waitresses, friendly dancers), then a tip of 5, 10, 20 or more baht is appreciated.

What is a katoey? Pattaya is full of boys who would be girls (and not a few girls who would be boys). Known by the term katoey, lady-boys usually stand out in a crowd. For those who have been here a long time, whether as residents or long-time visitors, lady-boys are generally easy to spot. Occasionally, one or two will get past the radar and be capable of fooling even Thai girls. There are bars designed to attract the lady-boy fanciers and there are a few beer bars employing lady-boys on an ad hoc basis. If a ‘woman’ looks a little too tall, or walks a little too much with a wiggle, or talks with either a little too deep a voice or perhaps with too much of a high squeal, then you might take a closer look at ‘her’ hands and, in particular, search for an Adam’s apple. If you’re still not sure, a quick grope between ‘her’ legs might do the trick; the only problem being that quite a few have had the ‘cut’.

Is it safe to go with a girl you meet on the street or in a disco? There are dangers in taking freelance girls you meet on the street or in a disco back to your room. If you are robbed of money and valuables you really have no recourse unless the establishment you are staying in asks for the girl’s ID card before she is permitted to accompany you to your room. This is sensible practice as it protects both you and her if a problem subsequently arises.      

There are a lot of girls who work as freelancers in beer bars but these can be traceable if you have a problem. Nonetheless, it is sensible practice at all times to be aware of your money and valuables and keep them out of the way of temptation for light fingers. In the vast majority of cases the girls are honest and as long as you treat them with respect, you will receive respect in return.

What is the food like? If there’s one thing about Pattaya even more prevalent than bars it is restaurants. No one should ever go hungry here. Whatever your taste preferences are, you’ll find a place to accommodate. Fast-food franchises have been here for many years: KFC, McDonald’s, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Pizza Company, Subway, Swensen’s, Haagen-Daz, Delifrance, to name just a few.     

French, English, German, Indian, Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, and seafood restaurants are scattered in varying numbers across the town. Prices vary from wallet-raping to incredibly inexpensive. The quality in most places is impeccable; indeed there are eateries which would succeed in any market anywhere in the world, they’re that good.     

Then there are food courts (on the top floor of the Royal Garden Plaza, ground floor in Carrefour shopping centre, and the basement of Tuk-Com to name just three) offering a variety of Thai and some Indian dishes.     

Of course, Thai food is available everywhere, from plush looking places to shop-houses to street carts. The latter are quite safe as long as you follow one guiding principle: make sure they cook the food well.

Is Pattaya dangerous for foreigners? A cursory glance through the local newspapers might give the impression Pattaya is somehow a dangerous place. It’s not. In fact, as many ex-pats will attest, Pattaya is one of the safest places around. Yes, there are thieves, there can be violence; but no more so than any other holiday resort and certainly far less than many major cities around the world.     

The majority of crime is Thai against Thai. The locals tend to stay away from causing trouble with foreign tourists and residents, apart from petty theft. If it’s not nailed down and it has some value, then it’s gone.     

The biggest single problem usually involves people who’ve had far too much to drink, become abusive and aggressive and then wonder why a Thai has reacted with violence. If you are an aggressive type with an attitude problem then Pattaya is definitely not for you. If you are coming to have a good time without looking to cause trouble then you should never experience any problem.

How easy is it to get around Pattaya? There are five ways of traversing the city. The most basic is using your own two legs to walk around. While the stretch from north to south Pattaya along Beach Road and Second Road is flat, the heat and humidity tend to militate against excessive walking. So, from the vehicular transportation you can jump on a baht bus (songthaew), motorbike taxi, flag down an air-conditioned taxi (not many and hard to catch), or hire your own motorbike or car.

What is there to do during the day? Short answer: plenty. Pattaya is a beach resort, although its beaches and surrounding ocean are far from pristine. Pattaya beach and Jomtien beach (a short trip over the hill at the southern end of the city) are the most popular. Vendors have arranged deck chairs in serried ranks along vast stretches of both beaches and charge a small fee for people to sit and use them while at the beach.

A day trip to Koh Larn, an island visible (weather permitting) from the shoreline, is worth doing. Ferries leave at regular intervals from the Bali-Hai port area at the extreme southern end of Walking Street. Don’t let someone buy your tickets or convince you the ferries aren’t running. Purchase a ticket yourself and ignore the scam touts.

There’s also go-karting, bungy jumping, cable water-skiing, deep sea fishing, scuba diving, golfing (20 courses within range of the city), horse riding, as well as a number of other attractions are designed to keep those with an adventurous streak occupied until the sun drops sufficiently in the sky to mean it’s now beer o’clock.

© Duncan Stearn, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (author of Pattaya, Patpong on Steroids; Our Man in Pattaya; Porn Unplugged; Pattaya Snaps (with David Kuri); Chronology of South-East Asian History 1400-1996; Bernborough, Australia’s Greatest Racehorse; The Ultimate Accolade)